The Daily Grind.

This morning my doctor's office called me and said "Janice, we referred you to a hematologist and we labelled the appointment as urgent so you get in quickly..."

That's all it took.

My body 100% took over.  

I was instantly sick.  Physically...sick. As in, unable to leave my house if I had to.  Very...sick.

I would sit on our bed and say out loud "Janice...there's nothing wrong. This is documenting something you were diagnosed with as a child...deep breath, nothing is wrong." 

Nope.  

My body 100% took over.  And I was unable to control it.

Was I worried? No.  Was I feeling stress? No.  Was I freaking out? No.

But ... my body was.

This is such a clear description of PTSD in my life.  The span from trigger to panic is no longer conscious. My body remembers and it goes into full blown fight mode...even when there's nothing to actually fight.  

The normal instance for this is if I see a court room...and my brain completely blanks out.  I lock down.  And when I come to, I have to think back to what I saw, what I heard, what was going through my mind before that moment. It wasn't conscious.

It used to be.  But not anymore.

So with healing...came this response.  Where the gap from conscious thought to panic mode is so fast I don't even know what I'm panicking over. 

The last three hours have been spent with me sick.  Talking to myself, praying, trying to get my body to clue into the fact that there's no reason to be freaking out.  

Similarly, two nights ago, as the sun began to set...I felt panic. I didn't know why. I had no trigger that I was aware of.  I just felt the familiar dread of night falling and fear.  And then it started.  I saw a friend post not-good news about a medical prognosis and that pushed me into full blown panic mode. I was suddenly sobbing and shaking on our bed. Couldn't get up, couldn't move. Then it keeps going...afraid the memories will come back, afraid of the flashbacks...afraid of ... I don't even know what.  

It's different for everyone..but this is how PTSD evidences itself in my life.  

We address fear pretty strongly in this house. We aren't accepting it. We fight it.  I don't want to be afraid. I refuse to accept it as part of the rest of my story. 

What I've learned? The body doesn't forget.  It remembers so well...that it takes over.  It won't take reasoning from the brain...it just goes into fight. 

And the word "urgent" this morning? That was a fight word.  My body heard that and ran with it.  

I'm grateful for the appointment today.  To get on paper and clear up my medical records to actually document that I have Thalassemia Minor (due to an Italian blood line) and so I don't keep getting calls freaking out about my hemoglobin. And honestly? To settle my stomach...the refuses to settle until the appointment. 

I think...PTSD is lonely.  I think...it's easy to feel really isolated. Few understand...fewer want to understand.  It's awkward, weird...like if it's not part of your world...I get it.  

Sadly...we didn't choose for it to be part of ours. 

If you are dying to ask...no. We aren't 'over it'. :(  My scars feel visible to me.  I see them, even if you don't.  

And yes, we are stronger. In weird and unexpected ways.