Four years.
Four years ago today...is burned into my brain forever.
Today...as in the day before Mother's Day.
Yes.
Everything in my life came to a screeching halt and I could barely tell you which direction was up. It felt like the the world stopped spinning, breathing was no longer involuntary, I was aware of my heart beat as if every beat was now measured by me.
I don't choose to remember this day. As it creeps up on me, I pray it will slip by without memory.
It never has.
I cannot forget.
In the middle of my panic and all that was happening, I remember having to call the local news station to cancel their Mother's Day production that was to happen at our house. Yes. The mom they wanted to feature as having had such an incredible impact on so many...hardly how I felt at the moment. I blubbered my way through that phone call, as they begged to still come. I remember saying something about a family emergency and it was no longer possible.
I remember sobbing. Puking. Sobbing. And staring out the window like the connections in my brain were on the verge of permanent disconnection.
I wish to tell you that was the hardest and worst day of my life and from that moment on...it was sunshine that got brighter every day.
Though that was not the case, I'm thankful I thought it was. Because the unknown and hope of brighter tomorrows kept me going and fighting.
Shortly after that day, someone that I do not know...and that did not know our story, tagged me in a post by a Christian artist. I listened to the song in the post...and it was on repeat day and night for months.
Today I celebrate four years behind us. Four long, hard years. With more tears than someone should be able to cry in a lifetime. I am thankful for a stubborn spine that never ever allowed me to give up fighting. For a husband who there are no words to adequately describe. For children worth every second of that fight.
It's easier to write about it four years later. The thrill is that four years have passed. It's further in the past...though it will never fade into a distant memory.
Today I'm thankful that my husband knowing the memories associated with this weekend, said "let's get to the beach. Today." And we are on the way.
As my 9 year old looked at me and said "Mommy, should we celebrate Mother's Day another day since this one has so many bad memories...?" I assured her that just like for her...bad memories are only ever dimmed by amazing memories put in their place.
Today, four years later...we choose. We choose to process, talk, remember and replace.
Here is the song that kept my eyes on the Anchor of my faith. The line that still gets me the very most is "I didn't know I'd find You here...in the middle of my deepest fear..."
I'm living proof... that that is indeed the case.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeLnMegXeLc
Today...as in the day before Mother's Day.
Yes.
Everything in my life came to a screeching halt and I could barely tell you which direction was up. It felt like the the world stopped spinning, breathing was no longer involuntary, I was aware of my heart beat as if every beat was now measured by me.
I don't choose to remember this day. As it creeps up on me, I pray it will slip by without memory.
It never has.
I cannot forget.
In the middle of my panic and all that was happening, I remember having to call the local news station to cancel their Mother's Day production that was to happen at our house. Yes. The mom they wanted to feature as having had such an incredible impact on so many...hardly how I felt at the moment. I blubbered my way through that phone call, as they begged to still come. I remember saying something about a family emergency and it was no longer possible.
I remember sobbing. Puking. Sobbing. And staring out the window like the connections in my brain were on the verge of permanent disconnection.
I wish to tell you that was the hardest and worst day of my life and from that moment on...it was sunshine that got brighter every day.
Though that was not the case, I'm thankful I thought it was. Because the unknown and hope of brighter tomorrows kept me going and fighting.
Shortly after that day, someone that I do not know...and that did not know our story, tagged me in a post by a Christian artist. I listened to the song in the post...and it was on repeat day and night for months.
Today I celebrate four years behind us. Four long, hard years. With more tears than someone should be able to cry in a lifetime. I am thankful for a stubborn spine that never ever allowed me to give up fighting. For a husband who there are no words to adequately describe. For children worth every second of that fight.
It's easier to write about it four years later. The thrill is that four years have passed. It's further in the past...though it will never fade into a distant memory.
Today I'm thankful that my husband knowing the memories associated with this weekend, said "let's get to the beach. Today." And we are on the way.
As my 9 year old looked at me and said "Mommy, should we celebrate Mother's Day another day since this one has so many bad memories...?" I assured her that just like for her...bad memories are only ever dimmed by amazing memories put in their place.
Today, four years later...we choose. We choose to process, talk, remember and replace.
Here is the song that kept my eyes on the Anchor of my faith. The line that still gets me the very most is "I didn't know I'd find You here...in the middle of my deepest fear..."
I'm living proof... that that is indeed the case.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeLnMegXeLc
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