The gift of finding out...what you really believe. Repost.
Since my long standing blog is closed (by me)...I saw this post from 2 years ago tonight...and it spoke so deeply to my own heart. I'm sharing it again.
Trauma and tragedy have a way of bringing everything into sharp focus.
I will never forget where I was driving when I realized I was at a cross roads.
What do I believe? Who is God? Is God...? Can I trust Him? Really...truly..trust Him? Is He good? Really good...? Only good? Am I safe? Does He have me? What do I really believe?
This is raw. Real. Transparent. Hard.
Many of us (as believers) live our lives ... quite safe. I suppose that couldn't be said about us for many years. We were living...loud. Out there. Boldly. Took many many leaps of faith. Yes I knew what I believed...I was rock solid in my faith.
Yet something happens when life falls apart. Ever been there?
Everything you know to be true...isn't. You are free falling. I felt like I was in space. Upside down. No gravity to pull my feet firm onto earth...no strong footing. Floating, flailing, floundering...falling. Every conversation was like I was in a fog. My head hurt. My chest hurt. I didn't want to eat anymore. I hated night time. I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. And once I did...it was awful. I would scream, thrash, relive horror and wake completely exhausted.
My faith was tested. I can still feel all the feelings of a world that came to screeching halt. Yet... it didn't. I remember standing in our bedroom, looking out the huge window at the stunning view at night...and begging Jesus to return. Please...now. The world was much scarier than I ever feared and I just begged Him to come. Take us away. Please, Lord. I would sob and sob at the window...truly begging Him to come.
I had never done that before. Ever. Life held so much promise. So much excitement. So much beauty that I was nervous of missing out on. Until...then.
I remember that day...that day I was alone in the car driving when my faith became choice. There was no pretty feeling. Nothing fuzzy. No. My vision was altered...no question...but neither could I see the goodness of God in my life anymore. I saw betrayal. Loss. Pain. Horror. My worst of my worst nightmare. Actually...no. I didn't even fear something so horrific. I didn't comprehend its existence. But..
Decision always trumps emotion. It must. I couldn't change what I believe based on my experience...as horrific and life altering as it was. God was good. Jesus never left me. (Oh...the wails that came from that one...) I couldn't comprehend that He left or abandoned us ever...yet I couldn't comprehend that He was there. I knew that I knew His promise was sure that He would never leave...yet I couldn't fathom how He was there.
That day...what was easy for me to believe up until that point...was a choice. And it was like a 500 lb weight came off my shoulders. I was in pain. I felt like I was dying. In many ways...I did die. Parts of my heart were shattered beyond repair. Yet my feet were firm. I knew my foundation. I chose to believe He never left. Not for a moment.
My fingers have shaken just trying to type this post. To be able in any way...any...way....say that gifts came from such horror...is super human, honestly. Yet they did. The gift of finding out what I really believe. The gift of watching everything fleeting and temporal in my life blow away...and seeing what remained.
I am forever changed. There is no question. And I know what I believe. I know who is always with me. I know who kept me breathing...I know who opened my eyes to each new tomorrow. I know He is good.
Only good.
Though my circumstances were anything but. I know who said "it's is enough" and brought it all to light. When I think of how long it went on...I try to think of how much longer it could have...but He said "no more".
My faith was tested...to the very core. And anyone who has 'passed through the valley of the shadow of death'...will tell you a similar story.
Tonight I'm thankful for the gift...of finding out what I really believe.
I will never forget where I was driving when I realized I was at a cross roads.
What do I believe? Who is God? Is God...? Can I trust Him? Really...truly..trust Him? Is He good? Really good...? Only good? Am I safe? Does He have me? What do I really believe?
This is raw. Real. Transparent. Hard.
Many of us (as believers) live our lives ... quite safe. I suppose that couldn't be said about us for many years. We were living...loud. Out there. Boldly. Took many many leaps of faith. Yes I knew what I believed...I was rock solid in my faith.
Yet something happens when life falls apart. Ever been there?
Everything you know to be true...isn't. You are free falling. I felt like I was in space. Upside down. No gravity to pull my feet firm onto earth...no strong footing. Floating, flailing, floundering...falling. Every conversation was like I was in a fog. My head hurt. My chest hurt. I didn't want to eat anymore. I hated night time. I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. And once I did...it was awful. I would scream, thrash, relive horror and wake completely exhausted.
My faith was tested. I can still feel all the feelings of a world that came to screeching halt. Yet... it didn't. I remember standing in our bedroom, looking out the huge window at the stunning view at night...and begging Jesus to return. Please...now. The world was much scarier than I ever feared and I just begged Him to come. Take us away. Please, Lord. I would sob and sob at the window...truly begging Him to come.
I had never done that before. Ever. Life held so much promise. So much excitement. So much beauty that I was nervous of missing out on. Until...then.
I remember that day...that day I was alone in the car driving when my faith became choice. There was no pretty feeling. Nothing fuzzy. No. My vision was altered...no question...but neither could I see the goodness of God in my life anymore. I saw betrayal. Loss. Pain. Horror. My worst of my worst nightmare. Actually...no. I didn't even fear something so horrific. I didn't comprehend its existence. But..
Decision always trumps emotion. It must. I couldn't change what I believe based on my experience...as horrific and life altering as it was. God was good. Jesus never left me. (Oh...the wails that came from that one...) I couldn't comprehend that He left or abandoned us ever...yet I couldn't comprehend that He was there. I knew that I knew His promise was sure that He would never leave...yet I couldn't fathom how He was there.
That day...what was easy for me to believe up until that point...was a choice. And it was like a 500 lb weight came off my shoulders. I was in pain. I felt like I was dying. In many ways...I did die. Parts of my heart were shattered beyond repair. Yet my feet were firm. I knew my foundation. I chose to believe He never left. Not for a moment.
My fingers have shaken just trying to type this post. To be able in any way...any...way....say that gifts came from such horror...is super human, honestly. Yet they did. The gift of finding out what I really believe. The gift of watching everything fleeting and temporal in my life blow away...and seeing what remained.
I am forever changed. There is no question. And I know what I believe. I know who is always with me. I know who kept me breathing...I know who opened my eyes to each new tomorrow. I know He is good.
Only good.
Though my circumstances were anything but. I know who said "it's is enough" and brought it all to light. When I think of how long it went on...I try to think of how much longer it could have...but He said "no more".
My faith was tested...to the very core. And anyone who has 'passed through the valley of the shadow of death'...will tell you a similar story.
Tonight I'm thankful for the gift...of finding out what I really believe.
Tonight I will pray for your sweet family, Janice. I can only imagine how much the children have grown. 🥰 Take care, Selena
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